Posts tagged ‘english’


Black Humor. 1.

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 A man complains sadly to a psychologist: “Nobody seems to like me.“ 


The psychologist responds: “What do you think could be the reason for that?“


The man looks at him: “So is it my task or yours to find that out you moron!“

“There’s no way you’re going out in this skirt, kiddo!”


“But mom, I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?!”


“Because it’s so short and your nuts are showing underneath!”

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like for a guy to catch a cold.

What happens to the children that are not picked up from Smallland in Ikea? And what did you think Köttbullar were made of?

An awkward housewarming visit:

“Oh but this is wonderful – your couch has a massage function – and it’s so nice and warm!”


“You’re sitting on our cat.”

I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.

– Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.
“And how do you find this year’s spring?”



– Silvie, 25, suffers from severe pollen allergies

My poor skills as an electrician often leave people shocked.

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Wonders of Hairspray.

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 Grandma Says Thank You
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

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One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.

I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: (swallowing) Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate mysalad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?


Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

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Decisionsoon vs. Experience.

 The department head is a wise, friendly old man, and one day, during an interview in his office he was asked, "Sir, What is the secret of your success?" He said, "Two words." "And, Sir, what are they?" "Right decisions." "But how do you make right decisions?" "One word." He responded. "And, sir, What is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get Experience?" "Two words." "And, Sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions." 
Schools of chops.

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "JEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. He comes in the door and without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

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Ох, если бы я не была скромной маленькой девочкой, то у меня был бы такой же прайс-лист:

Перевод с английского на русский: $20 / 1800 зн.
Перевод с английского на русский, чтобы было понятно даже вам: $40
То же, для тех, кто в танке: $70
То же, с объяснениями энциклопедического характера (химическая формула лецитина, почему дует ветер, как заталкивают повидло в карамель): $70 / час
Перевод с русского на английский с объяснением, почему именно так, а не иначе: $100 / час
С объяснением, почему не переводят вспомогательные глаголы: $200 / час
Перевод с английского на бизнес-русский: $100 / стр
+ за каждое "челлендж": $5
"экспириенс": $10
"высокая экспертиза": $35
"динамично развивающийся" - $50
"Вы" с большой буквы там, где это противоречит литературной норме: $100


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Как говорят животные?

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Любимая книга - в прямом смысле зачитана до дыр :))

А вы знаете, что на разных языках звери "разговаривают" по разному?
Казалось бы, одни и те же животные в каждой стране издают одинаковые звуки, но все народы слышат их по-разному. Отчего же так происходит? Ответ приходится искать в далёкой древности. Нашим предкам, ещё не придумавшим языки и речь вообще, приходилось общаться звукоподражанием. Происходило сразу два процесса: формирование особенностей речи той или иной народности (люди учились говорить) и формирование особенностей их слуха (люди учились понимать то, что им говорят). Отсюда и разница.

Так и получается, что русская собака лает "гав-гав", немецкая "вуфф-вуфф", а итальянская, например "бау-бау".
Наш петух кричит "кукареку", а английский "кок-а-дудл-ду" (cock-a-doodle-doo), во Франции - "кокорико" (cocorico), в Италии - "чикчиричи" (chicchirichí).
Кошка маукает примерно одинаково во всех языках - май, мияо, муррр.
А бывают и "ложные друзья-звуки": "кря-кря" для нас утка, а для итальянцев - лягушка. А итальянская утка крякает "ква-ква" (а в Дании "рап-рап"!).

И как детям-билингвам не запутаться?

Большая русская подборка звуков животных на разных языках тут, на английском - тут.

То, как животные могут говорить на разных языках, наглядно продемонстрировал художник Джеймс Чапман (James Chapman).

А тем, кто дочитал, еще и поиграться, кнопочки понажимать :))

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